The Elephant in the Room

22 Mar

I need to get this off my chest.

My pregnancy: I hated it. It was one of the worst times in my life. I was miserable, sick, I ended up almost dying because of a stupid tornado, my labor was horrid, and the first week postpartum felt like hell.

I’m dedicating today as a confessional. If you are a family member or friend that may be easily offended I’d recommend not reading.

Confession #1 – I dreaded having a boy when I found out the gender. I just knew Bouncy Buns was going to be Emma. I was carrying high, his heartbeat was fast, and friends just knew it was going to be a girl. I hoped to be apart of Team Pink. I wanted to go shopping together, play dress up, collect dolls, and cover our home with pink & glitter. Well.. we know how that went. I spent a month after I found out the gender crying. When I saw little boys I thought of “misbehaving”, “attitudes” and only wanting to play video games & watch TV. It doesn’t help when The Pickle can come over he’s a very reserved little guy – he likes to keep to himself & only play video games (which there’s nothing wrong with him being reserved. At the time my emotions were out of control). Even to this day I feel awkward around The Pickle because he’s a boy. What do I do with a boy who’s already set on what he wants to do and doesn’t want to hear from some woman who’s entered his father’s life? My dreams of having someone I could relate to faded away. As the months went on I finally accepted that my dreams of a girl would have to be reserved for next time. When I look back now I realized my feelings were natural. My son means the world to me.  He is so much fun. I can’t wait until he gets older. I might not be able to do the dress up or go shopping together but I’m going to try to do lots of arts & crafts with him.

Confession #2 – I was upset people who said they were going to visit me didn’t. I get it now that life happens, but it really hurt me at the time. When we ended up finally getting our own place again after the tornado I had so many friends who said they would visit me. Out of all of them I only had two people do so. Only two. Only one person outside of my parents visited me after Wiggle Man was born. Just one. Let me be frank: My viewers and friends online have seen more of my son than people I know close. Oh well. I hope I can make local friends soon or even better maybe the ones who I care for my visit. It’s just a thought.

Confession #3 –  I’m really irritated at the people who told me I was going to get gestational diabetes. I had multiple people in my life tell me I was “destined” to have gestational diabetes because of my size. I won’t deny that I’m a plus size girl. I want to be healthier but I appreciate my curves. Not every plus size girl develops gestational diabetes, and not every “skinny” girl doesn’t have to worry about getting it. Gestational diabetes happens because your baby’s placenta is making your pancreas overwork. It doesn’t mean your diabetic. For the record the people who told me I was going to get it: Yeah, you’re right I DID get it. But guess what? I’m a lot healthier now than what I was before I was pregnant. I consider gestational diabetes as a blessing as much as I hated having it.

Confession #4 – I regret not being able to breastfeed. This regret is only because of personal choice not because I think one is better than another. Nothing went right with my pregnancy. I had complication after complication.  All that I asked to go right was for me to be able to breastfeed. Did that get to happen? No. The odds were against me. There are people in my life who told me I wouldn’t be able to do it. I even had a nurse while I had my stay in the hospital tell me it’s going to be too difficult for me to be able to breastfeed because I have large breasts. I asked for a lactation consult to help me, and I was ignored. The icing on the cake of it all: My son was taken away from me during one night of my hospital stay and fed formula by the nurses without my permission. The answer I got back when I complained: He was getting formula when using the nipple shield anyways. That wasn’t the point. I wanted to have that bond with him. It was all downhill from there when I ended up with an epidural headache. I could not lift my head up without being in excruciating pain which left me not being able to pump, or breastfeed. I get my son is healthy and happy on formula.  My biggest let down from the entire situation is I felt like I gave up. I’m disappointed in myself. I never had maternity photos,  newborn photos, a nursery for him, or even a baby shower. I at least wanted to give him nutrition from what my breasts were meant to do. I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore because of not being able to breastfeed which is good.  I understand it’s the past now. My son is a happy healthy chunky baby.

Confession #5 – I hate being considered one of those moms who need medicine to function. I was forced to go and get help by my family. I was so overwhelmed with being a mother, and the aftermath of everything going wrong I was trying to find a way out. Nothing went right, I wasn’t getting any sleep and I felt so inadequate as a mother. If I didn’t have the support I did I probably would have died.  The Wellbutrin is helping me be able to focus again.  I can look back at what I was doing and realize it wasn’t right. I only hope one day I can be weaned off of anti-depressants.  I don’t like having to need help feeling better. Why can’t I do it on my own?

Confession #6 – I should have never let myself be talked into getting an epidural. Again, this is a personal choice. I stand neutral between those who are for and those who are against them.  I was in labor for 21-22 hours before I finally gave in and had an epidural. Did I mention my labor included pitocin and magnesium sulfate? My original plan was to have an IV of pain killers. My OB, my husband, and a nurse told me it was silly to not have an epidural because I was afraid of side effects. They all said I would feel better. It took multiple attempts to get the epidural in. One of those times a blood vessel was hit. Another time they hit nerves that hit my legs. The epidural may have made my labor progress rather quickly but if I knew what I was going to go through I wouldn’t do it.

I’ve been holding those confessions back for a very long time. I really hope I’m not alone in thinking some of the things I do. If I am, however, I won’t be hurt.  If anyone relates or felt like they had a horrible pregnancy I’d love for you to take the time & reply.

Now on a different note – I reached 100 views for Wednesday & 200 Twitter followers yesterday!  Hurray! Thank you everyone for reading my blog. I am in the works in getting product reviews & giveaways started (in other words I’m contacting companies in hopes they won’t think I’m crazy for wanting to review their products because I have a small viewer base at the moment). If anyone had some suggestions of some companies they would love for me to review let me know.

 

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7 Responses to “The Elephant in the Room”

  1. Jennifer Butler Basile March 22, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

    My last pregnancy (and months afterward) was full of lots of things that didn’t go according to plan. Surviving from day to day and finding what worked for me and my family made me a lot less sensitive to what others might think. If my utter misery and the ways I found to cope with it made them uncomfortable, so sorry. I’m trying to be very matter-of-fact about all that happened so we can all move on and make the best out of life.

    I hope you find what works for you.

    • Desiree March 22, 2012 at 11:27 pm #

      Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. I’m sorry your pregnancy didn’t go as planned either but I am happy to know I am not alone.

  2. katery March 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm #

    you are definitely not alone, there are so many people who feel just like you do. i didn’t care if i had a boy or girl but it was very difficult for us to conceive so we just wanted a healthy baby. if i’m being 100% honest i guess there was a tiny bit of me wishing for a boy (we have a wonderful little girl who i am so grateful for), only because my husband already had a daughter and i wanted him to have the “father/son” experience. not may people visited me in the hospital either and it hurt my feelings a bit. to be perfectly honest, i was in such a fog i’m not even sure i would have remembered if they did though. most of the women i’ve known who’ve gotten gestational diabetes have been thin, i did not have it but i did fail the one hour test and had to endure the three hour. i alos regret not breastfeeding but my daughter is healthy and happy even though she was formula fed. i don’t mind being on meds too much, but it would be a lot cooler if i wasn’t. and as far as the epidural goes, i’m all for them, mine didn’t work, but i think this is a very personal choice and i’m sorry you wish you hadn’t had one. anyway, it’s nice to meet you, just wanted you to know you’re not alone!

  3. Alison@Mama Wants This March 26, 2012 at 3:44 am #

    It’s very courageous of you to be so open about your experience postpartum.

    Motherhood is hard, so very hard. And many of us don’t talk about the hard stuff. It’s not just chubby baby cheeks and giggles, 100% joy and all that. It’s all the stuff that sucks too. I’m sorry you had such a difficult labor. I’m glad though that you can see past all that and you’re happy now with your boy (boys are fun!).

  4. Kerstin March 26, 2012 at 1:26 pm #

    Very honest and open. That does take courage and I’m glad you got it off your chest. I was very happy to have had a daughter first (and after I had my boy second I knew why:)).
    Don’t let anybody judge you and speak your mind – you know what’s best for you; if it feels good to have help and medication now to get things back to normal again then don’t beat yourself up about it!

  5. Ado March 28, 2012 at 11:49 am #

    I’m with you on all of ’em. All of ’em except that one about regretting having an epidural ! (-:
    Just based out of my own low threshold for pain!
    And – I’m from California – so basically all my mom-friends are on some kind of medication or antidepressant even though they’re yoga-doing organic eating type mamas – and it helps them. I see how it helps them and sometimes I envy that b/c I can’t take any kind of medicine (no tolerance). Don’t judge yourself on that one. And screw others who do judge you.
    Loved the truth in this post.
    Thanks so much for linking up with us to celebrate our blog bash. This is the kind of post I’m talkin’ about! All raw honesty.

  6. suzy016 March 29, 2012 at 8:10 pm #

    i’m so sorry you had such a difficult post-partum time – i know how hard that can be. i’m glad to hear that you’re coming out of it, and i hope those people that are close to you DO come see your fabulous little man. also, confession: i totally wanted pink leaopard and animal print for my baby, who now wears a whole lot of camo. so you can guess the gender, there! you’re never alone out here in bloggerland!

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