We have a hostage situation, folks.

18 Mar

Bouncy Buns was very clingy today.

In fact, he was SO clingy he demanded to be coddled. Any time he was set down he’d cry. When I made any attempt to talk with him instead of the smiles & coos I usually get I was treated to dirty looks & raised eyebrows.  He also decided he wanted to eat every hour.

My name is Desiree and I survived being held hostage by an 11 week old baby from 9:00AM until 5:00PM.  It’s 8:00PM and he finally fell asleep about an hour ago. THANK GOODNESS. It is days like these where I usually end up crying my eyes out because I can’t comfort him. Thanks to the Wellbutrin, however, I can handle the situation a little bit better. You should have seen me before the Wellbutrin. Before we figured out Bouncy Buns had reflux he would cry all day, shriek through every feeding, then proceed to throw up everywhere. He slept at 10 minute intervals. If we were lucky he would sleep 2 hours tops. I spent the majority of my days in tears, stressed, and seriously contemplating if I was really going to be a good mother. I felt very inadequate.

I still wonder about how I’m doing as a mother, but I take a lot more into consideration. For example: I didn’t die in the May 22nd tornado because I wanted to bring Bouncy Buns into the world. I fought to keep him alive when he shouldn’t have been but here he is.

I’m getting all teary eyed.  I can’t believe in a little over 2 months it will be the one year anniversary of the tornado. I really wish I had more time to heal from what really happened.  Tomorrow I have another battle with anxiety.

Tomorrow we have severe storms with tornado potential.  Just writing that last sentence makes me sick to my stomach. Since starting my PSTD therapy I’ve been dreaming of dying almost every night, and tornado dreams keep reoccurring. Those are the worst.  What makes tomorrow even more scarier for me is how I’m going to be alone for most of it. That’s right. Alone. Reavera happens to be working while it’s going to get bad. Lovely.

I can’t help but feel like a failure again.  I’m suppose to stay calm in situations for my son. How can I do that? Will I EVER be able to do that?

Maybe if I’m lucky my parents will come up and stay with me for a few hours or even better maybe the storms won’t reach severe limits.

When I was a little girl I always wanted to be a meteorologist. I don’t like to brag about this but I know quite a bit more about the weather than I should. I use to want to be a storm chaser. When it stormed I would go outside and watch it until it get severe…. then I would get nervous. Right before the May 22ndt tornado I was where I could really respect the mother nature.

Not anymore. I’m too afraid to. The weather holds me hostage.

I guess that’s why I’m in therapy, right guys?

One Response to “We have a hostage situation, folks.”

  1. Annie, mama dweeb March 18, 2012 at 9:16 pm #

    I admire (and appreciate) your honesty Desiree! I struggle with depression too. I have not experienced PTSD or any event like the May 22nd tornado. My heart really goes out to you for having the memories that you do. I cannot imagine how much anxiety you feel every time the words “Sever storm” creep across your screen. As a young girl I remember living through a very traumatic storm too. It was not a tornado but it was close to it and my basement apartment was destroyed, we were homeless. To this day I still physically shake when there is lightning striking super close to my windows. I want to be strong for my kids. I do not want to pass my fear onto them! But it is a physical reaction that I cannot control.

    Hugs from another Kansas mama that wishes she could hear your full story!

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