One life to live.

8 Mar

Ever since I was a little girl I was afraid of dying. It’s always been apart of my life. Since the tornado, and my pregnancy complications this fear has gotten worse. I almost can’t cope with it anymore. Life seems so short to me now. It isn’t fair because at the age of 25 I shouldn’t be consumed with this, right?

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to not be on this earth anymore. Why, as humans, do we not know what happens after we die? Will we be able to watch over our children and family, or do we go to another place? Are we reincarnated into something else? It scares me, to the brink of an anxiety attack, knowing one day that I will not exist anymore. Will my son be ok with it? Will I be able to see to my son grow up?

Maybe this is my time to find religion or something to believe in..for my son’s sake.

It just isn’t fair. Life has taken away my feeling of truly being alive. When I was driving to a grocery store yesterday I saw the damage that was done from that storm a week or so ago. Out of nowhere I started to cry. A couple of days ago I saw my old apartment complex on the news. It was nothing but an empty lot. That made me cry as well.  I was at our local Dillons yesterday and for a moment I thought I was back in Joplin at the Dillons I use to go to. The Dillons that nearly killed me. The Dillons, although it nearly killed me, saved my life.  Then I realized I wasn’t in Joplin anymore… and I was saddened.

I guess this is what PSTD is all about.   I apologize for being a bit of a bummer tonight. This blog is purely intended to help me heal. I hope that writing this down I will eventually be able to cope. I hope one day I can show Leo what I did to better myself for him.

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